Reflexion sobre las perspectivas (titulo a cambiar)

Porqué no nos podemos concentrar en las cosas buenas en vez de malas, es decir, no solo entender sino aceptar el hecho de que cada uno no podemos tener todo bueno y que el que sea por ejemplo empatico y buen comunicador, puede no ser bueno con números o manualidades. Esa persona a la que criticas y juzgas por un defecto, puede en realidad ver sus propios defectos y tener edad suficiente para conocerlos y saber que tiene que cambiarlos, solo le cuesta todavía desprenderse de ellos ya que no es fácil cambiar de un día para otro y se necesita tiempo y dedicación. 

Es difícil ser un ser humano perfecto y aunque se sabe muy bien que no existe humano perfecto sobre la tierra, muchos siguen empeñados en hacer un enfoque sobre los comportamientos que no gustan de los demás, cuando un momento más tarde harán algun fallo ellos mismos. Es un espejismo, y de forma más profunda es casi como criticarse a si mismo. 

Este mundo necesita más tolerancia y comprehensión y la ignorancia está por desgracia muy expandida por el mundo, lo que hace que muchos temas, comportamientos y palabras son mal interpretados y se acaban desarrollando modelos de comportamientos y educaciones muy equivocados. 

Está claro que hubiese sido magnífico que se enseñe sociología y psicología en vez de tanta concentración sobre historia, matemáticas y lengua, cosas que entiendo desarrollan el entendimiento de los niños pero estimo que es más de prioridad enseñarles a ser repectuosos, educados y sobre todo tolerantes que enseñarles cosas tan planas como matemáticas y dibujo. Cuando se termina bachillerato, muchos no acaban estudiando estas cosas aunque hagan carreras así que ojalá se enseñen estas cosas en niveles básicos. 

emotionally unavailable -'' I have it worse, so I don't care''

Reflexion

 I do not breathe properly when I am outside, I have had issues with the house I am living in, I do not feel in my place anywhere still, after years, I cannot believe it's still the same. 

After the isolation of years and the lack of true friendships and simply a staggering culture difference that made my heart sink in and become numb day after day, feeling enstranged everyday of my life for many years and coming out of half a year of depression, I cannot say I am the same.

We all go through many things in life and the less interesting is to listen to someone speak of something sad or negative, therefore I write it. I will never bother to tell someone anything. I used to think of death as a resort when I was younger, but not now anymore. I feel mature enough and with many responsabilities ahead, that I cannot allow myself to feel that way. 

Although we all feel very bad at times, no one has the ability to get inside anybody's head or feelings to realize how tough it is. I think sometimes that someone goes through things worse than I do, of course there should be. 

I tend to have a feeling in my chest of intense pain, so intense that it connects directly to my eyes and makes it impossible for me to stop my tears, I lack control over them. In the beginning it used to be this way only, but as I went through it so much during my adolescence during family issues, basically hearing very hurtful comments from my mother and being convinced she doesn't care for me, no true friends, which made me feel absolutely alone and even after everything got better, I bore scars from that unfortunate violant period of my life. Right after my loneliness got accentuated when my connection with my adoptive father became strange, it didn't feel like he was my father anymore. These tough times of insecurity with the correlating experience of solitude turned the months of deep pain, no one to share it with into a feeling of lack of worth and eventually biterness at times.

I have held on to life to what I know of myself, that I am kind and smart and do contribute so much to this world and realize how much many admire me. I know my worth. But sometimes, I am genuinely scraed of losing this feeling, because it feels as if it slides from me; I had a period where I gave up on myself, but I get back up again. I feel the way my life has been is almost perverted, it's a perversion of life, a distortion. All my stability has been shaken and provoked constantly, through which, I stayed faithful to my values. I had my entire life in Morocco and I was satisfied, but I'd never be a happy adult if I stayed where I was happy to begin with. I had to pay a price, which I always hope will not be too expensive, and expensive being making me even more mentally ill than I already have become due to all these scars.

I know that even now, when I put all my hope on university, after making some friends and it working well, it's not the typical one after maths made me lose some years. I feel different from the youth here since I am a foreigner to them, even when I speak good spanish, at this very moment I still don't have a house and I realize the stigma around Moroccans, when in reality in any corrupt country we find more criminality and it should be normal, way too many ignorants mix people together. I really felt in Spain like people, most of which by the way, have only been nice, do realize we're moroccans by our physique unlike other europeans, and obviously do know not to trust moroccans. It's sad that I supposedly now have to ''watch out'' and coming mostly from my mother's energy, telling me that Spanish aren't very nice etc. She just speaks a lot but doesn't realize this makes me feel bad because I am intending to FINALLY live a normal and stable life. There is no escaping, I have a 4 year study so I have to like it here and make my life here. No one stops and asks bloody immigrants about their ''taste'' huh? We don't get to choose and act out. We have to accept things like they are, heck we should be glad we're out of the corruptions that our own compatriots have betrayed us with and thrown us to foreigners that look at us as less. 

Written sometime last year in the balcony -transferred from paper

Before anything, I do not want to make a book that will never be read by anyone. This probably proceeds from my fea and anxiety born in the last years. I am forever anticipating and wondering. I think too much and believe me, I hate it. I've been quite far away from everything normally a part of the life of any ''typical'' person, or worse in this case, teenager, in part by own choice, but all that's been by own choice was driven by circumstances. Especially the feeling of being lost and confused and as a consequence misunderstood. Any human needs stability and stability in itself leads to feelings of safety, security and belonging. I do not believe in the possibility of these feelings without stability, at least not completely. 

I felt threatened to lose myself in the process, to end up with a weakened personality, a lot of fear and a non-stop of unanswered questions. Now only after I became a young woman, I received an explanation for all those. I was ''too young to understand''. I recognize I was a bit irritated by that phrase, because I know the answers would have soothed me a lot in times of great distress and that I would have understood. It is actually the fact of just being put out of any clarification and the lack of communication as a bad and unfair thing. 

Moving from place to place every single year consecutively since I was 6 years old left me with no stable friendships in my life, affected my ability to focus, got me used to something no one should view as part of life: loneliness and left me no stable memories. Each town in Casablanca I lived in as a child, each house I lived in and each city whether in Spain or Norway have memories of their own and to top it off, I have an awful memory. 

As a child though, I'd not focus on these details and did manage to have a very nice childhood, free of bullying and always ended up integrating and finding my way. In Spain, it was obviously much harder due to being in a totally new country with a completely new language. I thought to myself once ''If this at least was France, I would at least be able to communicate from the get go and not be this confused'' and you see the pattern, how it could all have been in far, dark, cold and socially awkward Norway. As if I was in a game composed of challenges, where you're constantly fighting for a stable life and where there are levels 1,2 and 3. 

Becoming slowly better

Improving everyday life is not an easy task, which is important to understand first in order to begin the journey towards one's goals. It's good to be satisfied and grateful for all simple everyday things, to view them as gifts, and once we have true happiness and do not waste our time seeking money, recognition, attention, which are things unfortunately many are plagued by and that steal peace from many, only then we can begin to make healthy life changes, because it all comes from the mind, yes it is the master.

Change rarely happens quickly, it takes trial and error and most of all, patience. It is not strange for change to happen after weeks or months, and that is okay, actually that is normal. Do not fight yourself or punish yourself, allow yourself to be imperfect, you are only human, never let stress trick you, because that is what always makes people give up. Begin with one thing at a time and it will turn into a habit that will be with you for the rest of your days and help you succeed in life. You see, using weeks or months to change is worth it when you will very probably keep that healthy lifestyle for the rest of your life. 

P.S: It is also a good idea to know what you do not need in your life, or to quit anything you are forcing yourself to do in order to maybe feel accomplished, just be free from anything you actually do not enjoy (relationships included) or that causes you negative feelings and trade them for those that give you positive ones. 

Personal everyday achievements:

Leaving the computer always in the living room which led to:

Sleeping early which led to: 

Being more organized which led to:

Making food everyday which led to: 

Life is so fragile...

one crash and it could all be gone

Life with all its aspects, drive, nature, admiration, the world, its news, the love, and everything life offers. One crash... and it's all gone. Are you still breathing? It could all be gone tomorrow, one crash might be closer that anyone imagines. 

To enjoy the beloved humans in one's life, the ones who love you more than the ones you love, every inch of beauty in nature, its forms and colors, feeling the air, the wind... but most importantly, do it today, follow that dream, put the first grain of salt of your project... and most importantly breathe and enjoy the base. 

i am you and you are me

You or me, your eyes are in me, your fingers mirror mine, your blood flows at the same time as mine does and your hair covers your head from the cold as I know mine does, different languages we speak, but the movement of our lips and use of our voices passing through our folds, we are all one by one, beautiful creatures, yes we look different, because we have to be differentiated, so we recognize each one of us and of the others, but your eyes are my eyes, your nose is my nose, you smell the fresh smell of grass, the Jasmin or the odor of a delicious meal, we have the same signal, you walk somewhere and are dependent on your legs and feet to arrive, I am as well. No matter how hard you try, you keep making those same mistakes, I do as well struggle that way. I am you and you are me. 

the journey to a clean life

I am on a journey to total peace, i want to be in nature and enjoy every inch of its beauty, to wish staying there for as long as possible... to lay down on a spot in the middle of thousands of flowers and look at the sky. this is certainly not a beginning, it is a continuation after there has been moments like this throughout my childhood, but they harshly stopped and disappeared, life had changed suddenly and became more hectic and strange. i am slowly going back, and even further than before, i want to stay connected to earth, where i have seen the day, where my nurturing comes from and the warmth reflects or the cold refreshes. mountains, sea, fields.... and animals, horses on the fields, dogs by the sea... pure and clean happiness. i want to have an inner peace, where i don't mind other's negative thoughts and acts, where I am not influenced by other's stress and nerves, but staying one within myself, protecting my inner peace... where I am not obedient to my own nerves and where I am not compelled to express any negative word, to either state the good or stay quiet. A worthwhile life. 

Happiness is

In the depths of the world's distribution of luck, majority of poverty and hunger, which in themselves do not connect with lack of happiness, with the overwhelming wealth becoming a psychological burden on whom of those whom I love, really want me for my being and not for the superficial pieces I hold in my pockets. 

I see most poor people smile and laugh, I see it constantly, I see most people with dead and sad eyes, I see it all the time. 

Does the one who is in the middle, or low, reach for becoming rich but ever lost in life, wondering about human contact's intentions, or staying peasant and just being in constant wonder of what more would bring. 

I'd rather be poor or just in the middle, and be sure that those who seek me, really do so because it is me, the way I have of doing things, the way I speak or cook or joke or do. I'd be fine. It is fine if I wonder from time to time about what having the possibility to buy anything would be like, but it is not if I wonder forever about whether the appreciation coming my way is for pieces of copper or me. 

Happiness is constant contact with different aspects of nature and real relationships, it is being unrecognizable by most so as to be completely free.