Before anything, I do not want to make a book that will never be read by anyone. This probably proceeds from my fea and anxiety born in the last years. I am forever anticipating and wondering. I think too much and believe me, I hate it. I've been quite far away from everything normally a part of the life of any ''typical'' person, or worse in this case, teenager, in part by own choice, but all that's been by own choice was driven by circumstances. Especially the feeling of being lost and confused and as a consequence misunderstood. Any human needs stability and stability in itself leads to feelings of safety, security and belonging. I do not believe in the possibility of these feelings without stability, at least not completely.
I felt threatened to lose myself in the process, to end up with a weakened personality, a lot of fear and a non-stop of unanswered questions. Now only after I became a young woman, I received an explanation for all those. I was ''too young to understand''. I recognize I was a bit irritated by that phrase, because I know the answers would have soothed me a lot in times of great distress and that I would have understood. It is actually the fact of just being put out of any clarification and the lack of communication as a bad and unfair thing.
Moving from place to place every single year consecutively since I was 6 years old left me with no stable friendships in my life, affected my ability to focus, got me used to something no one should view as part of life: loneliness and left me no stable memories. Each town in Casablanca I lived in as a child, each house I lived in and each city whether in Spain or Norway have memories of their own and to top it off, I have an awful memory.
As a child though, I'd not focus on these details and did manage to have a very nice childhood, free of bullying and always ended up integrating and finding my way. In Spain, it was obviously much harder due to being in a totally new country with a completely new language. I thought to myself once ''If this at least was France, I would at least be able to communicate from the get go and not be this confused'' and you see the pattern, how it could all have been in far, dark, cold and socially awkward Norway. As if I was in a game composed of challenges, where you're constantly fighting for a stable life and where there are levels 1,2 and 3.
