Reflexion

 I do not breathe properly when I am outside, I have had issues with the house I am living in, I do not feel in my place anywhere still, after years, I cannot believe it's still the same. 

After the isolation of years and the lack of true friendships and simply a staggering culture difference that made my heart sink in and become numb day after day, feeling enstranged everyday of my life for many years and coming out of half a year of depression, I cannot say I am the same.

We all go through many things in life and the less interesting is to listen to someone speak of something sad or negative, therefore I write it. I will never bother to tell someone anything. I used to think of death as a resort when I was younger, but not now anymore. I feel mature enough and with many responsabilities ahead, that I cannot allow myself to feel that way. 

Although we all feel very bad at times, no one has the ability to get inside anybody's head or feelings to realize how tough it is. I think sometimes that someone goes through things worse than I do, of course there should be. 

I tend to have a feeling in my chest of intense pain, so intense that it connects directly to my eyes and makes it impossible for me to stop my tears, I lack control over them. In the beginning it used to be this way only, but as I went through it so much during my adolescence during family issues, basically hearing very hurtful comments from my mother and being convinced she doesn't care for me, no true friends, which made me feel absolutely alone and even after everything got better, I bore scars from that unfortunate violant period of my life. Right after my loneliness got accentuated when my connection with my adoptive father became strange, it didn't feel like he was my father anymore. These tough times of insecurity with the correlating experience of solitude turned the months of deep pain, no one to share it with into a feeling of lack of worth and eventually biterness at times.

I have held on to life to what I know of myself, that I am kind and smart and do contribute so much to this world and realize how much many admire me. I know my worth. But sometimes, I am genuinely scraed of losing this feeling, because it feels as if it slides from me; I had a period where I gave up on myself, but I get back up again. I feel the way my life has been is almost perverted, it's a perversion of life, a distortion. All my stability has been shaken and provoked constantly, through which, I stayed faithful to my values. I had my entire life in Morocco and I was satisfied, but I'd never be a happy adult if I stayed where I was happy to begin with. I had to pay a price, which I always hope will not be too expensive, and expensive being making me even more mentally ill than I already have become due to all these scars.

I know that even now, when I put all my hope on university, after making some friends and it working well, it's not the typical one after maths made me lose some years. I feel different from the youth here since I am a foreigner to them, even when I speak good spanish, at this very moment I still don't have a house and I realize the stigma around Moroccans, when in reality in any corrupt country we find more criminality and it should be normal, way too many ignorants mix people together. I really felt in Spain like people, most of which by the way, have only been nice, do realize we're moroccans by our physique unlike other europeans, and obviously do know not to trust moroccans. It's sad that I supposedly now have to ''watch out'' and coming mostly from my mother's energy, telling me that Spanish aren't very nice etc. She just speaks a lot but doesn't realize this makes me feel bad because I am intending to FINALLY live a normal and stable life. There is no escaping, I have a 4 year study so I have to like it here and make my life here. No one stops and asks bloody immigrants about their ''taste'' huh? We don't get to choose and act out. We have to accept things like they are, heck we should be glad we're out of the corruptions that our own compatriots have betrayed us with and thrown us to foreigners that look at us as less.