Understanding myself

I've been thinking about my feelings, experiences, reactions and so on. I believe I need to know myself better, I believe we all do, only this way one can be able to live an actually satisfying life. As I am getting closer to my 25, I realized I finally got convinced about the fact that there isn't such a thing as ''a happy life'', that everyday is a 50/50 on the chance for it to be a good or a bad day, and that most days have some good things and some bad ones. The same can be said about people, I learned that there might not be such a thing as a bad person and a good person, that almost everyone, minus special cases, almost everyone has the potential to develop into a good person or a bad person. That everything in life is relative and that there's always a good side to bad things and a bad side to good things, even out in nature or in beautiful places, you can be enjoying the bahamas but you'll miss your family one day and feel it's not as fun without a specific person. 

I remembered, when I was a teen and used to scroll over Weheartit, finding a quote that said ''life is about learning to dance in the rain'' and thinking it was not that serious at the time, but I can look back on so many things I didn't take seriously before and confirm they're absolutely true today. It's of course natural, we grow up and learn as we grow up. On the way it's true many things happen that we'd rather not, but one cannot regret too much either, because it's inevitable with such little experience in life to not go through difficult moments. Sometimes I wish I was more confident in school, because now that I grew up, I changed in that sense, but as I said, it's wishful thinking, you can't travel back in time or compare being 25 years old with being 17 years old. It's important that I got to the point of not judging myself and being gentle with myself about logical things in life, natural things.

Also, I have a lot of fear around not ''making it'' with my music and my selling project. I know worrying doesn't advance anything, and is useless, but it keeps happening. I feel that by my 25 I should be able to have done many things, but when I look at the youth around me, especially in Spain, I realize one doesn't need much to be satisfied, and I say satisfied because I am happy, mostly. I just often get stressed out about my projects. Nonetheless I am studying in uni and have my own place, so I am grateful. 

Someone like me. 

I did realize I have many negative thoughts in my mind, but don't we all? After all, I heard from therapists that something like 90% of our thoughts are negative, the vast majority. I try to work with this, I am conscious about my negative thoughts and exchange them with positive ones when I catch them, I also pray and meditate, which help tremendously. It's true that I view humans as disasters sometimes, myself included, but I am really a better version of myself when I pray more and read the bible every day, it's really something that warms my heart to think about, how powerful it actually truly is. I stray sometimes, unfortunately, in periods when I just get distracted and pray less and stop reading, and then I go back to being nervous and irritable, not to mention anxious. 

I realized I could talk less, I mean with my mom, because I maybe speak more than I would have liked, not referring to what I say but to the amount of talking throughout the day, because I feel a strong connexion with my mom and we are together all day in one house, having more than a 1000 thoughts a day as humans, I get the need to share some of them with her sometimes, and sometimes she's busy and I don't realize it. So talking less would be something I'd like. 

I feel empathy for others, but I have a protective shield, that makes it easy for me to erase people from my life without suffering, I didn't choose to feel this way, but it one day happened, I know I developed it because I wasn't this way before my adolescence. It's clearly a defense mechanism due to a lot of moving houses and friends. The empathy is also absent with people that have been very mean to me. It's like it turns on and off depending on the people.

I've been always outside of groups, and this took away the belonging feeling from me and the security feeling. What's good to know is that it hasn't been an active act others chose to do, but my own circumstances on constantly moving from place to place. Nonetheless I have gone through the loneliness that comes with it. 

I am a shy person by birth I'd say, I've been this way since kindergarten, having such a bad memory and do remember this. I am not introverted, but just shy and insecure around unknown people, I actually still think that's only natural, because how would life be if we trusted unknown people? A bit of insecurity can be healthy then. I am the kind of person that's shy in the ''getting to know each other'' phase but then become very close with people. I am a good friend, I listen and advice a lot and I always try to make people laugh, I am unsure why but it's again something in my personality that's just part of me. 

I have had a period of mistrust in humans, to the point that I'd think of it when seeing people, I felt a sense of disconnexion from other humans, almost viewing them as aliens, thinking they might very probably be different in the way they feel and think, and that people are not to trust until they prove the opposite. Where I took it from, I have no idea, but it's better now, I actually feel almost the opposite nowadays. I now always think we're not as different as we think, we feel most feelings the same way and people mostly want to do good, and if they do bad, we should forgive because we too make mistakes and it's part of being human.

I did realize I myself am not as kind as I thought, maybe, because I can't tolerate certain personalities and I do critisize them, being sincere with myself, I understood that I am just not absolutely kind, although I suffer so much if any random person doesn't feel well and genuinely do what I can for them, in other situations, when it's people saying things I view as dumb, like spreading ideas via TV that are bad for future generations and any person watching, I do critisize but I know it might be normal and maybe everyone does this, when disagreeing, but it doesn't make it good.

Saying sorry more, and throwing away pride once and for all, is very important. Being mindful of own thoughts and knowing how to act with them. Knowing one's self, one's personality to be able to know what you like and what you dislike, what you want to do in your life and what you don't need, so you don't live 80 years, and look back, realizing you didn't do what you wanted because you didn't realize what it was until late. Actually this is one of the worst things that could happen to me. 

Societie's pressure! 

I realized I don't love the way society and some scientists push on us, push on me their beliefs and ways of thinking. I do like to learn and I am humble enough to do so, but certain ideas from random men or women I've never known, I don't believe I should necessarily adopt into my life. Who says they're 100% true? I believe each person should have their filosphy and to be inspired of course, it helps but not necessarily adopt people's inventions about how certain things should be done. And society, its pressure and expectations, they're too much and many people fallen into mental issues don't realize, poor them, that it's actually societie's pressure that made them feel so, because I don't believe everyone needs to follow the traditions, the made up idea of fun, the very rigid unspoken rules around in society. I do think that living in nature and not working is also a valid and happy way of living, for example! 

Therefore, write down about your personality, the good and bad, your taste in different things, what you actually want so you plan your life accordingly.