My fight with anxiety

It's fine, it's acceptable. Accept it. That is what I really need to hear from myself.

I am still not accepting my anxiety, this is making me more anxious and can lead me to a very bad path, without a doubt depression. It's hard for me to accept it when I feel it, I am so eager to be happy that I must enjoy every good moment, and I become anxious about not doing so and then I keep thinking about my anxiety, did it ruin my moment? Why couldn't I control it? Why wasn't I strong enough? I should have focused more. This is my constant nightmare, it happens out of nowhere and stays with me no matter how hard I try to escape, my thoughts torture me. I get mad at myself in some way because I think of how bad it's gotten, why are my thoughts so constant and why do I have so little control over them... It's as if I am my worst enemy. I destroy myself bit by bit, without actually wanting to do it, my thought pattern and my fear control my head and end up making me my worst enemy. 

I should realize, that although I have a good life, I am where I want to be, I look the way I want to look, I work with what I need to, I also have a tough past, and that it's okay since life is not paradise, it's okay to have all one wants and still have issues. This is part of me now, and as long as I am still not accepting it is, I'll only get worse. Just like I love singing, riding horses, studying psychology, I am kind, goofy but also anxious. It's part of it all, I wish it weren't, but I can't wish too much, it's part of this whole we live in, it exists in this world, in our feelings, so I only have acceptance left towards it.